I'm not OK. And that's OK.

 We lost my dad a month ago yesterday.

And I am NOT OK. Not even a little bit, some days.

But, you know what? I accept that and I am not holding myself up to the standards of a non-bereaved person.

So when I forget things I would normally remember, when I fail to even think of a solution that might otherwise have occurred to me with little or no effort, guess what? My internal and external lives just had a freaking atom bomb dropped on them, and no, my brain does not work the way it did on April 29, when my dad was still alive.

I'm doing my best, World. But my best today is not my norm, and we both need to take that into account. The people who genuinely love, or at least respect, me will understand, particularly the ones who have dealt with it themselves.

Learning Process

 

The grieving process in the aftermath of losing my dad has given me some surprises, not only in terms of what turns out to be a trigger, but also what is BEING triggered.

Like the fact that the grieving process is not just causing me to miss my dad, but also my dog Baxter who passed 11 months ago. Of all the things that I expected to hit hard, I was not expecting a prior source of grief to suddenly step up and demand to be counted.

All I know is I miss my dad AND I miss my dog.

Checklist

 

Cross these off the to-do list:

Sat with Mom and edited the obituary text - check

 

Emailed document to funeral director - check

 

Chose the menu items for the funeral luncheon and emailed this, plus an estimated head count, to the restaurant - check

 

Took my mom to dinner and actually SAW her eat food - check

 

It is so, so surreal to have gone through that obituary info for my dad. How on earth can we be writing about him in the past tense when we JUST TALKED TO HIM ON THURSDAY? 😢😢😢

 

Thursday night, he was telling my mom all the things he wanted to do when he came home. He was going to work hard in PT and get strong, he was going to plan a family dinner for their 60th wedding anniversary in June, he was going to do a bunch of things. And even so, on Friday morning, he was joining his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and even his childhood dog Patsy (about whom I heard countless stories while growing up... boy, did my dad ever love dogs) up there in Heaven.

 

Pray for my mom. I hurt as much seeing HER in pain as I do over losing my dad. I wish I could help with that part of this process, but that's impossible.

 

Next up: talking to the folks at the cemetery to determine which of the plots in our family's lot are still available. There should be four open spots, but we need to determine which ones those are so we can open the correct one. The last four spots are slated to be for my parents, Mark, and me, but it's a large plot and some of the spots are already in use.

Interesting fact: the plot was originally purchased in 1925 by a relative with the same name as my dad, EXCEPT that he was using the original spelling of our family's name, Gabriele. That got anglicized in later years. So in another few years, we will have had that spot in the cemetery for a century.

The update I was hoping would not be needed

 My dad went into the hospital on April 4, with such severe kidney failure that they had to do dialysis on an emergency basis. His fistula had been put in three days prior, but it takes a couple of months for a fistula in the arm to be mature enough to use.

Eight days later, he had extreme abdominal pain overnight, and it was discovered he had a perforated ulcer. The surgery they had to do on April 11 was complicated, and they basically had to reroute the way his stomach fed into the small intestine. I can tell you from personal experience that when they have to remodel your intestinal tract, it is NOT easy on the patient and the recovery is intense.

A week after that, he was found to have a partially collapsed right lung, and they had to go in with a tube to clear out a big amount of mucus that was clogging things up, so the air could flow properly.

He looked so much better after that procedure, with better color and even an appetite for the first time in forever. His appetite had gone down to nearly zero, and I think part of the problem there was the stomach had to retrain itself to its new method of sending food through to the intestines. It had worked one way for 82 years, so telling it, "Surprise! Now you have to do things THIS way instead" is not an instant process.

Fast-forward to this week. He had improved to the point where medically, his labs and vitals were great. Even without oxygen, his pulse ox was showing as 90 and 92 the last time I was there, which is outstanding for a person with COPD. I think he still he one drain left in, but the other ones were gone. (Drains are a pain in the keister, BTW. Can confirm, bigtime.) He needed a lot of PT because he had gotten so weak, that he couldn't possibly have gone home. He had to get his stamina back, since he could hardly walk, and there is no way he could have handled going up and down stairs at home. So that would have to be handled in PT sessions, as well.

It was not meant to be. He was transferred to a rehab place on Thursday night, one that has a great reputation, as far as I can tell. I have heard nothing but good things about them. But yesterday morning, he was found unresponsive in his room, and efforts to revive him were not successful. It appears that he passed away in his sleep.

Needless to say, we were all shocked. He had been on a really good track toward recovery, and had even been turned down by three different rehabs because they said he was not acute patient. Hey, if three different places tell you that you are too healthy for them to take you on as a patient, that sounds like a good thing, right?

The first full day of walking this earth without my dad on it seems surreal. It is always a hard thing to lose a genuinely good person. We got some of the preliminary plans made last night, with the funeral director. I am glad that process has begun, because my mom was worrying about what it would entail. The more concrete things we can take care of, the less she will need to worry.

My heart breaks for my mom even more than it breaks for me. I know I can battle through my own internal turmoil, but I can't battle through someone else's pain for them. If I could, I would. I hate the fact that she has to do that herself, without her lifelong partner and best friend.

Bereavement is a part of life, I know, but it's one of the parts that suck. I try to count myself lucky that I had such a wonderful dad that I, and everyone who knew him, will miss him dearly. A lot of folks are not so fortunate. But even so, pain is pain and we can't really avoid it. We can only process it and integrate ourselves into the new reality facing us.

Dad

 On Holy Thursday, my dad had a fistula put in his left arm, as his kidneys have deteriorated to the point where dialysis is needed.

However, on Saturday and Sunday, he started having problems breathing. Mark and I took him and my mom to the hospital before we went to Mass. 

He got dialysed via a port in his neck three times this week, and they got a lot of fluid out. He was supposed to get another treatment on Monday. However, overnight on Sunday, he started having excruciating abdominal pain.

Long story less long, they immediately did scans and determined that he had a perforated ulcer. My mom and I went right to the hospital to be with him before emergency surgery. The docs tried to prepare us for some of the most serious things that might have to be done, as they would not know until they went in what amount of surgery they would have to do.

The surgery was still pretty major, but fortunately, a lot of the things they MIGHT have had to do turned out not to be needed. What was needed was something called a GJ procedure. The perforation turned out to be a lot bigger than they were expecting to see, and so the hole that was in the area where the stomach joins the small intestine was not able to be repaired. Instead, they closed off that area of the stomach and joined the stomach to the small intestine in a different place entirely.

He was sedated all of Monday night into Tuesday. They did a dialysis right in the ICU room on Tuesday, after which they removed the breathing tube and the sedation. But he was still about 99% asleep yesterday when my mom and I visited (one at a time, per hospital rules).

Today, they did another in-room dialysis, then moved him from the ICU to a more regular room, albeit with telemetry, on the same floor. He was MUCH better tonight. He was alert and able to hold a conversation.

Things are still pretty serious, given his age and medical history. But everything that has been going on so far has been things that the doctors want to see.

We were thinking, prior to Monday's  emergency, that he might come home from the hospital this week. That, clearly, is not going to happen. First of all, with the nasogastric tube, he is most likely on a "nothing by mouth" restriction for the next few days. I know when they had to remodel my digestive tract a few years ago, I had the NG tube for five days before they did a scan, to make sure everything was moving through the digestive tract and nothing was leaking anywhere. Only then did they take the NG tube out (the next morning, to my great aggravation... I had hoped it would come out the same day the scan determined that things were in working order with no leaks). I will be astonished if his timeline for determining that it's OK to take the tube out is any quicker than that. He's 82, so things don't just heal at warp speed.

In any event, we will greatly appreciate All The Prayers as we keep on keeping on while my dad recuperates. Thanks!

Diamond Hands vs. Paper Hands

After having entertained myself watching the fragment of a share of GME go up and down for a week, I was all set to just keep holding. As long as it kept tap dancing around the same general number, I figured all was well.

But today, the numbers turned doubleplus ungood. It dropped all morning. By lunchtime, I had seen enough. I stepped away from my miniscule experiment.

I basically spent about $2.50/day for a week to amuse myself watching the subreddit WallStreetBets and the stock ticker. Pretty cheap entertainment, if you ask me.

I will keep watching that subreddit. Maybe next time, I can get in on the very beginning of their next project and EARN $2.50 a day. 😀

Woot woot for microinvesting apps, though. Experimenting with pin money is harmless enough.

In other news, this was the first day after my second dCOVID shot. I am starting to feel it. Like last time, all the joints that tend to hurt anyway have been griping nonstop. But this time, some general low-grade all-over body aches joined the party. Fortunately, I have enough remedies in my daily medical regimen (prescription and OTC) to dial the volume on the discomfort WAY down. I also feel like I am getting a sore throat and a cough... not sure if that is on the symptoms list, but I kind of think it is.

I will hydrate a lot and go to bed early.

New Administration, New Year

 In the weeks since my previous post, we witnessed an insurrection on live TV, we FINALLY got a new President, and what do you know? My first doctor's appointment, post-Biden's inauguration, has showed improved blood pressure.

Maybe after I have some time for the four years of DJT-induced tension to subside, I can go back on the same level of BP meds I was on while Obama was in office.

Just saying.

In the meantime, I am amusing myself with a micro-investment made via ideas from that paragon of sensibility on Reddit, the subreddit r/wallstreetbets. 😁 And when I say MICRO-investing, I'm not kidding. Now I am watching my tiny fraction of a share go 📈 and 📉. (There go the blood pressure improvements, lol.) But I shall continue to have💎👐 (diamond hands, as opposed to having paper hands) and hang on for a while.

Or maybe I just have a diamond HEAD, lol. But hey... what have I got to lose but the price I'd normally spend on lunch when I'm working onsite? Where can you get this much drama for under $20? 😂😎

My latest article on Medium

 Hey, when you have a moment, kindly head over to my latest article on Medium.

I received a new distraction-free device recently, one that had been crowdfunded quite a while ago but whose production and shipment were delayed by the pandemic.

So I decided that the obvious way to get acclimated to using it would be to use it to write about my experiences using it. 

It has been a while since I wrote an article. I forgot how much I enjoy doing that. I will have to amuse myself by writing more often. 😀

Micro-dosing on News Media

 My return to the office was pushed back to this past Monday, as the room I work in was full of chairs (which I presume had been removed from the waiting room, as there are far fewer chairs to allow for proper distancing).

Meanwhile, yesterday was Election Day, and due to the high number of mail-in ballots, several crucial states (PA among them) are still tallying votes.

News outlets have long since designed their programming to grab and hold attention, and attract eyes and ears. They try to get the audience's head in a spin such that they can't bear to look away. This leads to stress-inducing reports, and this is by design, not by accident. After all, how else can their advertisers sell you their stress-relief pills if you aren't worked into a frenzy by the nees?

Well, as anyone who reads my social media knows, there are individuals involved with this election who have been driving my BP up for the past four years. The last thing I need is to have my BP inflated even more by news reports that are intended to incite stress and keep viewers and listeners tuned in.

So this is how I am handling it, for the state of my own mental health. First, I am limiting my time on social media, and when I AM on there, I am gravitating toward groups where I will see little or no politics. Second, NO TV OR RADIO NEWS. Period. I even skipped my evening Alexa news roundup because I was concerned that it would be too stressful. Thank God that SiriusXM's music channels do not do news reports. I am tuning that son of a gun in during the workday and giving thanks that I can just immerse my ears in music.

Third, I am micro-dosing on written-word news by peeking at headlines that pop up on my phone. If I think it won't give me an ulcer, MAYBE I will read it. I tried glancing at Google News headlines, too, but I kept having to bail on them or heading to politics-free areas like their Tech News subsection.

Meanwhile, I am trying out a new method of passive income. This radio station is free to listen to, and the more folks listen to it, the more points I get. At the end of the month, the points would be converted such that I would get a few dollars. So kindly support your local blogger who lost a truckload of work hours thanks to the Rona, and give it a listen. Thanks!

Prepping for Monday

 

Monday will be my first time working from onsite since the end of March. I haven't been in the clinic since April 1 when we all were removing our personal items from the premises, because the entire floor was about to be converted for use as possible overflow beds for the hospital across the street.

I just set up a bag with SOME of said personal effects to bring back in, and rummaged up my work ID that I have not used in over 6 months. I am all set to go.

I will be carrying a carafe of coffee into the building in the mornings for the time being, as I am not sure what is up with the break room or if we are still doing things like sharing the coffee machine. For that matter, I have no idea if they have even been keeping up with providing the supplies for said coffee and tea, because COVID has trampled all over every budget everywhere on earth.

In other news, we got some dreadful news on Thursday. JFM's cousin, with whom I went to high school, had recently been getting some medical tests done to discern what was causing her to be sick. The worst possible answer came back: she had stage 4 breast cancer and the prognosis was that she had 2-3 weeks to live. What a horrendous shock! 😢 

The situation became even more difficult today. After swiftly declining on Friday, she passed away this morning. I am heartbroken for her, her husband, JFM, and all her loved ones. She and her husband were inseparable. 

I thought two weeks would be a hard time frame to acclimate to what was happening, and we didn't even have two days. So please send up some prayers for her and her family and friends. What a sad day it is!

Recruiting Volunteers

Some of the recent text-message batches are geared toward recruiting folks to take part in phone banks for the Candidate Of Our Choice.

I am delighted to report that there is no shortage of people who responded that they were ALREADY volunteering to make calls, send texts, mail postcards, and so on.

I sincerely hope this bodes well for the outcome on November 3.

Oh, also, I got the email yesterday that my mail-in ballot has safely arrived at our county's election office. So now I know that my vote will be getting counted when the time comes, and I need not brave the crowds. I regret to report that the COVID numbers are starting to creep upward in this region, and who knows what they will look like in three weeks' time? So hooray for not having to go out into crowds of people to cast a vote.

Blue Wave 2020! 

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Sign Language at the NHL Draft

I watched the NHL draft last night, as I am a hockey fan. The first round was on TV last night, and the rest of the rounds are going to be conducted today. The NHL draft consists of teams choosing from 18-year-old players in juniors, college, or in European leagues.

When we don't have the freaking plague shutting everything down, the draft is held in a hockey arena, with players and their families sitting in the stands, along with hockey fans, and the teams go and announce their draft choices, one by one. Cameras turn to the players and their families, then the kid goes up and puts on the jersey of the team that selected him and poses for pics with the team's GM and staff. They know which players they want to choose because they have spent time with their scouts going to games, and watching videos and looking at the stats of the young guys. They talk to players and their families, too. They do their homework.

This year, we have restrictions against travel and convening in large groups, so it was handled differently. Teams had their general managers and staff all in one place, and cameras where there when they went up to announce who they chose. There were also cameras in the players' living rooms, where friends and family were gathered around televisions waiting to see who was chosen by which team. They must have had a lot cameras set up in a lot of houses, knowing which of the very top players were most likely to be selected in the first round.

So, fast-forward to the last selection of the first round of the draft. The San Jose Sharks director of scouting goes up to the microphone, and says, "The San Jose Sharks select", pauses to fingerspell OZZY, then resumes, "Ozzy Weisblatt."

Ozzy's mother is Deaf. His family signs.

Cut to the camera in Ozzy's house, as they are all jumping up and down and cheering in a massive family hug. Then they started turning to the camera in their house and making ILY signs into the camera.

It was great! I am a Flyers fan, but I will keep an eye out for Ozzy as he makes his way from juniors, to the minors, to the NHL. And kudos to the SJ Sharks for adding a touch of consideration to the selection process. That was a classy gesture on their part, making sure his mom was fully involved in enjoying the sight of her son being chosen by an NHL team.

This article provides both text and video: https://nhl.nbcsports.com/2020/10/07/sharks-use-sign-language-to-draft-ozzy-wiesblatt-in-touching-moment/

A difficult anniversary

 Today is a tough day. It's the seventh anniversary of a double bereavement. Within the same 2:00 PM hour on this date in 2013, we lost both my beloved mother-in-law and my first dog, my little Chihuahua known as Mini the Wee.

We were at the veterinary ER finding out that Mini was in kidney failure, with no real treatment options, when my sister-in-law called to tell us that my mother-in-law, who had been in hospice care since earlier in the week, had passed away peacefully. Shortly after that, we assisted Mini to the Rainbow Bridge.

And it felt like being hit by one semi truck, and being thrown right into the path of a second semi and hit again.

The world shrank when my MIL left it. I am so thankful that she was completely unlike all the stereotypes of harridan mother-in-laws; I was fortunate enough to have one of the nicest people who ever walked the earth as a mother-in-law.

She is with my father-in-law, who had passed 13 months earlier, a few weeks before what would have been their 65th wedding anniversary. So it's a consolation that we have a couple of patron saints up there keeping an eye on things.

And I also still miss my Tiny Dog. Mini was a little sweetheart, the absolute perfect first dog.

So today is a tough day.

Tweaking the Blog Layout

 I'm adding a few features to the blog layout... it's been more than long enough since the last time I refined the look of the blog.

In this case, I am looking at what it takes to actually monetize the blog. As long as I am putting in the work, it only makes sense that I should be able to also earn from my efforts..

Have a Nice Day... I Think

 

Soooo...

While sending texts for the Dems, I got a response from someone in a language I don't recognize.

Which, according to Google Translate, was identified as the Croatian language and the F bomb.

I got the translation of "Have a nice day" in Croatian, sent them that, and archived the convo.

It takes all kinds.

 

Update: Ooo, my Croatian speaker is cranky. They responded again. Now I know how to say F and MF in Croatian, not that I expect to be able to make use of that skill anytime soon.

Archiving the convo. Again.

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Come as You Will Be party

 Yesterday, I took part in a fun party on Zoom. It was a Come as You Will Be event. The premise is that we were our 2026 selves, after having achieved the goals that we set for ourselves waaaay back on New Year's Day of 2021. We were to dress as our future selves, and tell everyone what we had accomplished, how we had reached our goals, what pitfalls we had to avoid, who helped us along the way, and so on.

I dressed for the beach, as my goal is to have a shore house.  I had my tankini top, a beach coverup, sun had, sun glasses, battery-operated fan, and my beach radio., Behind my head, on the mirror behind the sofa, I had a whole bunch of summer-related window clings.

I was hobnobbing with folks who were published authors, audio book narrators, and folks who had started their own companies. One lady had pics of her house in Hawaii, and a few people had magazine covers from Time, Smithsonian, and Rolling Stone with themselves on the cover. 

Then we had a question that I hadn't been expecting. Where did we see ourselves in the next five years, in 2031?

My answer was that I expect to be renting houses at the shore to other people, so that others can enjoy the shore as much as I do.

The truth is that this is a realistic answer, when you get right down to it. There is no reason why I can't do exactly this, if I play my cards right. There are people who use rental income to pay the mortgage and property taxes on their shore properties, and I see no reason why I can't be among them.

One thing at a time. First, we have to have the one shore house. Preferably, one that is either a duplex where we can rent out one floor, or has a separate in-law's quarters so we can rent the main house (or if it's a duplex, get two rentals from it). Once that has been achieved, and I have already notified Mark that I fully intend to see this through, then we can figure out what the next steps look like.

I am all about it. Watch this space.

Let's Go, Flyers!

The Flyers started early today, at 4 PM, vs. Washington. Fortunately, my work schedule allows for me to watch without difficulty, because I work from 7:00 - 3:30. 😀

We also get to watch a second screen including all the in-arena stuff that we would get to see and hear if we were at an actual game. I'm loving this.

https://www.nhl.com/flyers/fans/playoffs?mi_u=545994

Bye-bye, Isaias!

Well, that was an interesting morning of weather. Tropical Storm Isaias blew through town, literally and figuratively, dumping a monsoon of rain on us. It was pouring like a sheet off the awning while the storm was at its height.

All morning, the Weather Channel was giving alerts for this locality. First, it was a stream of Tornado Warnings (of which, the first one was for this county and triggered my phone and watch to blare an alarm). It was easy to tell what direction the storm was moving by tracking where the Tornado Warnings were being given next.

Now, the sun is out, and the Tornado Warnings are over with for this area. However, we are now getting strings of Flash Flood Warnings for the entire region. Every river and creek just got inundated, and I suspect a lot of them are or will soon be spilling over.  Between the NOAA radio and the Weather Channel, it has been a continuous stream of alerts for different counties and bodies of water.

At least we were at low tide when the storm was at its worst. I was kind of cringing on behalf of the shore, because when we are at low tide, they are at high tide, so they were dealing with the tides AND the storm together. Reports of beach erosion are starting to come in.  I'm not surprised.

I'm test-driving the new Blogger website, even as I type. I'm not convinced I like it better than the previous layout, but it's not up to me, lol. I'm sure they have their reasons for doing a redesign, and I suspect a lot of those reasons are transparent to the user. Sometimes, upgrades and updates involve a lot of changes under the hood, not out where the users can see them.

Hey, as long as they stay in business, it's all good.

Zoom fun

I am going to have some fun with Zoom for the next few days.

First of all, I am on a Zoom call even as I type, for users of the Orbit braille device that I own. I figure I can learn more about it this way than any other thing I can think of.

Then, next Saturday, there is going to be a "Come As You Will Be" party, where some folks with whom I took an online class will be dressing as the person we want to be five years from now. I have decorated the mirror wall behind my computer seat with various window clings for summer and the beach, and I will be dressed for the beach with my swimsuit top, coverall, sun hat, and sunglasses. 🌞🌴🌊

In other news, it looks like both of my normal side gigs are back up and running! Not only have I resumed interpreting, but my deafblind friend and his mom are at a point where they are ready for me to resume being his aide on Fridays. So life is good on that score. I'm seriously missing the income from the OT that I can't work, and losing the two side gigs was just an extra financial kick in the rump.

I also am on a mailing list that keeps suggesting work-from-home ideas, so I have been following those suggestions to see if I can come up with any that will replace the missing OT income.

Meanwhile, there are an awful lot of COVIDiots out there flouting safety precautions. Unsurprisingly, now the numbers in the USA are starting to rise again as a result. I could scream. Science really doesn't care if you believe in it or not; it's going to be true regardless. Unfortunately, what's true is that if we don't take safety precautions, we are going to spread this blasted virus at an ever-increasing rate. If the risk-takers were only harming themselves, I would say that they have the right to apply for their own Darwin Awards. The trouble is that they are also hurting lots of other people who did NOT sign on to take any such risks. Not only are they infecting innocent people, and possibly killing the medically fragile people in their lives, they are also causing infection numbers to rise. This, in turn, creates delays in the reopening of society, which then hurts small business owners and their employees. IMO, no one has the right to hurt other people in that way.

I can't blame people for being tired of taking precautions. We're ALL tired of taking precautions. This has been going on since the middle of March, with no end in sight. But the world doesn't revolve around our entertainment, and the virus isn't going to say, "Oh, you're fed up with masking? OK, I will stop spreading." The same precautions we needed in March are still needed now, and whether or not we are bored with doing these things is not a factor. We have to put our grownup pants on and just deal with it.

Wash your hands, wear your mask, and keep your 6' distance from people.