Tuesday, April 06, 2004

The subconscious mind is an amazing thing. It processes some thoughts even when we're not aware that the topic is on our minds.

Case in point: yesterday. I had a talk with my supervisor. The other temp, who had been doing a different job than I'm doing, had been hired by the company several weeks ago. She also resigned last Friday.

There'll be a departmental meeting some time this week, during which some of her former duties will be dispersed among the remaining people. The boss of the department will also have to be making some decisions including whether to hire another person to replace her, and how long MY assignment will continue (if it's going to keep going or if it'll be winding down within the next few months).

I discussed all this with my supervisor yesterday. I mentioned that I would like to become a permanent worker, even if it means doing something different than what I do now. I'm willing to embark on yet another learning curve, if I know that "this is IT" and I can look forward to a continuing work situation, and I said so.

Now, let's backtrack to almost precisely three years ago, when I was downsized from my job at the bank. (Speaking of subconscious mind, I should mention that even though I haven't had to battle migraines for several weeks, I fought migraines from a few days prior to the anniversary of that day, right through the anniversary itself. But I digress.) Losing that job, which I'd had for 12 years, left me with the feeling that it doesn't matter HOW long you work at a place or HOW well you do. In my current world view, merit and length of service take a back seat to the bottom line, and if your salary doesn't fit when it comes time to cut the budget, out the door you go.

So, for the past three years, I've basically cared about how well I do and worked hard, with an attitude of "it's for my OWN satisfaction that I care about it, since nobody else will". Even now, I am aware that even though the only break I have all day is my lunch hour, and otherwise I'm busy from the time I come in until the time I go home, hard work won't mean much if the number-crunchers decide that the company can do without a temp. So I take the approach that I want to do a good job so *I* can be satisfied with myself and what I do, number crunchers or not.

What's this have to do with the subconscious mind? Yesterday, a few hours after having that discussion with my supervisor, I caught myself humming a song while I was in the file room. There's nothing odd about that, except this particular song is one that I haven't heard in months, so the fact that I had *that* song in my head was a bit unusual.

Even then, the significance of the song didn't strike me until I started thinking of the lyrics instead of just humming the tune. That would be Abba's The Name of the Game, which has a refrain that includes...

What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game?
Do you feel it the way I do?


... and also...

If I trust in you
Would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me
If I said I care for you?
Do you feel the same way too?

I wanna know the name of the game


...

Well! When I realized just what I was singing to myself, THAT was certainly an eye-opener. I guess that was my subconscious mind's way of processing the discussion I had earlier in the day, because I really DO want to know where I stand as far as my future here goes. And, frankly, I want it to be good news when I do find out what the company is planning to do.

There's not much I can do about it besides keep working hard and doing a good job. So that's what I'll do.

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