Wednesday, July 04, 2012

That old left-out feeling is back

The world is full of imprecations that we should "Dance, even if no one else is watching." There is no shortage of affirmations and inspirational posters urging us all to be ourselves, no matter what.

I've followed that dictum throughout my life. As a result, throughout my life, I've run into situations where people just don't "get it". They have no idea what to make of it when I decide to Be Myself, because my perspective on things is from, shall we say, a unique angle that not everyone immediately perceives. Sometimes, I feel like a piece of modern art, with people walking around looking and saying to one another, "What on earth is that supposed to be?"

I'm used to getting that reaction from strangers and acquaintances. It doesn't change what I'm doing one bit. Some of them wander off, some of them stay on the periphery, and some of them take an interest, and stick around to join the inner circle. And one thing is guaranteed: when you're unique, some of the individuals who stick around will have their own interesting point of view to share.

But it's kind of disappointing to get a "What is that supposed to be?" response from the people I thought were closer to me, and knew me better. I got that treatment from an unexpected source today. So even my inner circle doesn't always get it. So noted. I won't make the same mistake twice. Being hurt once is sufficient.

Well, whatever. I'm still going to dance even if no one is watching. Or even if people are telling me to get off the stage. Or even if people choose to walk out of the theater rather than watch. When it's MY theater and MY stage, if I choose to dance, I will. Feel free to stick around and see the show or not, as you choose. But if you miss something interesting later because you walked out now, that's not my fault.


Donna said...

Can you have a heart to heart talk with whoever this is? Maybe there was just a mis-understanding? It's hard for me to think someone from our inner circle would say something hurtful (well, Joe maybe) since we all share the same cut of cloth, so to speak.

One of the things I like most about you is that you are you. You are refreshing.

Donna said...

Thank you.

I'm just going to let the matter drop, though. They feel how they feel, and I am done with begging people to take me as I am. I gave that up years ago, as all it resulted in was my banging my head against the wall. The people who stick around are the ones who appreciate my take on life

And I'm not ruling out that I am more sensitive than usual. But it has been a dreadful few months. Since the beginning of May, we have had three deaths in Mark's family (including the 25-year-old nephew who died on Memorial Day weekend), my aunt with whom I am close was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and is failing before our eyes, my car is permanently screwed up and I can't afford to fix or replace it, and Joe's cat died. TILT. So saying something thoughtless to me now is the equivalent of jabbing a person with sun poisoning with your finger. If they were already in pain to begin with, everything that happens hurts more than it normally would. Knowing this, I decided. It to say anything at all at the time it happened, and I'm just going to let the matter drop.

But my "share my ideas with you" list is shorter now. They won't miss it, and I won't go through this again. So that solves two issues at once.